Recently our 17-year-old daughter introduced her boyfriend to us over dinner. He came with another girl which we initially thought was a common friend. No, that was actually his other girlfriend. Super nice girl, very pretty. That dinner was awkward to say the least. My husband already doesn’t like him due to this whole poly thing. I just don’t understand how our daughter could be okay with this, no matter how good the guy may be.
I don’t have kids but I’m happily living in a poly marriage and can probably answer some questions.
It’s a real thing and believe it or not, for some people it just works. Some people just aren’t jealous in nature and don’t really care about exclusivity.
The only thing of immediate concern I’d look for is making sure they’re using protection or getting tested, because the web of people that slept with eachother increases exponentially with the number of partners.
The next one on the list is making sure it’s ethical (lookup terms: “ethical non-monogamy” or ENM for short). Some do take it as a free pass for cheating. Some get coerced into it because the man wants all the girls for himself. Another toxic trait to watch out for is the “one penis policy” that’s very unfair for a lot of reasons I won’t go into. She needs to willingly be into this and consenting with the whole situation in a way that is fair for her, ie. she should be allowed to get a second boyfriend too if she wanted to. Polyamory is not polygamy: all are equal, it’s not for the benefit of the man. All 3 of them showing up at dinner and happy is a good sign though.
Other than that, it’s all good and nothing to worry about. It’s different, but the only thing wrong with it is the stigma really. It can be perfectly healthy and happy, and honestly when done right it can be less dramatic too. There’s some weird heartbreaks that can come with it, but she’ll live through it and make up her own mind about it just like any normal teenage relationship. The worst that can happen is she gets jealous and get a more traditional relationship. In the meantime I’d be supportive and ask good faith questions about it.
Also there’s a decent possibility she’s bisexual, just sayin’.
Let me know if you have any other questions!
If you can handle it, it’s quite liberating honestly. I feel like it brings me and my wife closer because we can just be honest with eachother and talk openly about things.
We watch movies together and gossip about who’s hot. She’s done things I’m not into, I’ve done things she’s not into, and we can talk about it without feeling threatened we might not be good enough. I’m not worried the slightest even when she go hang out with exes. I trust she loves me and will always come back home. None of this has to take away anything from me. If there’s something I can’t provide, she can get it elsewhere, it makes her happy, she’s more happy with me, we’re all happy. I have nothing to gain from her being unhappy and unfulfilled, it would just make her miserable and tension build up in our relationship.
We make it get us closer rather than drive us apart, and we get to be there for all the people we care about.
And by extension, you can have all sorts of atypical relationships. Maybe there’s someone you care about intimately but would never be able to live with. Maybe you have a bestie you get spicy with once in a while. Maybe there’s someone important to you that travels a lot but you like to snuggle up with when they’re in town. Maybe your primary partner has a different libido than you do. Maybe you just like flirting a lot, or enjoy receiving the attention. Maybe you swing both ways and enjoy some variety. I’ve even seen sometimes the boyfriend just likes to jack off with his buddy. I had a roommate I was very cuddly with but never slept with.
It’s not even always about sex but just being more intimate with someone than would be normal for a monogamous relationship. And it doesn’t have to take away from a potential bigger commitment with a primary partner, like a house and kids. It can even be extra support, I’d babysit for a partner to give the parents time together. It comes in all shapes and forms that works for you. As long as it’s done safely and it makes everyone happy in the end, it’s not so bad.
I think the only thing you can do is remind her to be careful with her heart, and be really honest with herself about what she wants. I.e. Does she want him, or her, or does she want them both because there is twice the potential to be hurt when there are twice the number of partners.
Anything more than that will risk alienation.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with poly relationships, so long as everyone is equal and respected. The thing that worries me is that you said “his other girlfriend” and not “her girlfriend.” It’s not necessarily a red flag, but it is something to be cautious of.
You might also check out the book “More Than One”. Polyamory is a beautiful relationship style that I have seen done very well and very poorly, just like traditional relationships. Triads can sometimes be problematic when one part of the relationship is preestablished. Balancing everyone’s needs is difficult and people screw up all the time. If this guy is able to date outside the relationship, is she also able to enjoy that same priviledge? How about the other girl? Who sets the rules in the relationship and how is it handled when one person disagrees with the others on something? How do you respond to " you always side with (other partner)". Polyamory is hard work. Not sure what country/state you are in, but birth control could become an issue for her. As with any relationship subculture/orientation/style I am concerned for my poly friends and what the future holds for them and doubly concerned for the women.
My advice is to learn a lot as much as you can about polyamory, and how to go about it in a healthy succesful way. Until you’re equiped to understand how different the relationship dynamics can be it will be hard to give useful advice or support, or know when things are not in a good place.
Polyamory can be a perfectly reasonable and healthy, if untraditional way of doing relationships, but it can also very easily be unhealthy, especially if the relationship is polyamorous for the wrong reason.
Ultimately what would be most important to me is that my kid is healthy and emotionally safe, and until you know enough to evaluate those things, it will be very hard to know whether your kid is in a good spot and navigating a style of relationship you’re unfamiliar with, or being taken advantage of while navigating something that is also likely very new for them, or somewhere in between as everyone involved navigates uncharted territories as young adults, making mistakes along the way (which to be fair, is developmentally normal.)
I very much agree with the other comment about twice the risk. I had a very painful experience with attempting to be poly when it was a poor fit for me and my then-partner, but I have friends who are poly who are profoundly happy to have found the type of relationship that is fulfilling and feels right for them 🤷♂️. Its not for everyone, and there are definitely ways of going about it that are likely to end in heartache, but for many people it’s a revelation that there are no rules for love, and that they’re free to assemble whatever type of relationship they feel is right for them.
I wish you the best friend, parenting a child who is neavigating things you are fundamentally unprepared to help with because they’re alien to you is more than a little bit scary. The best you can do is learn a lot, try to understand where they are, and try to support them in building a healthy life with healthy relationships, even if it doesn’t make a ton of sense to you.
17 is the correct age to try things and find your own place within the world. I’m glad young people have the ability to try things like this, or same sex relationships or whatever. I’d say it’s hard enough to express oneself and find out who you are.
My gf and I are poly. She has a gf. It doesn’t bother me at all. You should talk to your husband; his resentment isn’t necessary. It sounds like everyone (your daughter, her bf, his gf) are all aware of the situation and consenting. What’s the issue?
Polyamory is more common these days. It may be experimentation or real for her - only she can decide that. Be there for her, try to not to seem judgemental or negative so that she can trust you and be open with you if things do go wrong. That also means being accepting if this goes right for her.
I do wonder whether you are misinterpreting what you are seeing too.
You are seeing the guy as in control of this and bringing his 2nd girlfriend along. But actually she brought her boyfriend and a girl to dinner at home. Is your daughter also trying to tell you she is in a relationship with the girl too? Was it her boyfriend and her girlfriend?
It does seems odd to bring the girl to meet you if she was purely his girlfriend. Maybe she is more to your daughter than that or maybe she was trying to get a rise out of you? Or maybe she just wanted you to understand how the Polyamory thing works?
I do understand your reluctance around this, and your likely worries for your daughter. It’s easy to see her as being the “victim” of her boyfriends wants. But she does have agency and she has chosen this lifestyle - so I think you have to let it play out and be cautious about expressing your concerns too hard as it may push her away.
Be there for her - it’s very important to keep being her support network and not inadvertently isolate her if you disapprove of her lifestyle. You need to be the ones who are there for her no matter what and where she comes for advice and support if this does goes wrong.
Polyamourous relations are a thing. If your daugther is okay with it and happy, that’s all what matters.
Why is it a big deal ? Many guys have relations with multiple women at the same time but just hide it. I’d rather live in a relation where the exclusivity/polyamourous thing is discussed before. This can’t be a good judgement criteria, since if he was a cheater, your husband would see a loyal, monogamous boy and would appreciate him more but, in secret, the daughter’s boyfriend would be a complete bastard. 🤷
I’d like to pretend I’d be fine with it, but as a parent such a situation fills me with dread. Ultimately, if they’re happy that’s what matters, and if it’s a mistake all you can do is allow them to (safely) make those mistakes.
Assuming you’re American, the bit that worries me a little is consent. If I were to hazard a guess, if you’re in a poly relationship at 17, you’re probably also having sex. How old is the boyfriend? How do they all know each other? Are there any safeguarding issues at play here?
If I was a mother to a poly teen, I’d welcome them as if it were any kind of relationship. People who prefer a type of relationship typically do so because something in it is beneficial (obviously). Poly relationships are no different from LGBT ones where there is a driving force towards it, and there’s nothing “wrong” with it. The rules of love are what the participants make of it and agree on (look up relationship anarchy).
How modern…… Id be horrified. And offer my full support.
Anything else risks alienation and you can’t do anything for her if she kicks you out of her tent.
You will want to protect her from heartbreak, but you can’t do that. And I dont necessarily think a poly heartbreak would be any worse than monogamous heartbreak . Just keep her close and help her navigate her feelings.
However I would not let her get away with an unannounced extra guest. That’s just rude ./s
First off, if you don’t want to be a shitty parent, it’s not your choice at all. Now, for a 17-year-old, I can’t really say that they truly understand what it means to be poly, but it sounds like you don’t either. The only thing not being supportive is going to accomplish is pushing your daughter away.
Best resource I’ve found for what it “means” to be poly, https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52569124-polysecure
I say “means” because love is a spectrum and there’s no true definition.
Listen, I would let it play out. Show her you trust her and love her, but be there for her when inevitably, feelings of strong jealousy or unfairness creep in. That is very difficult to handle for adults, let alone 17yos. More often than not this kind of scenario doesn’t work out. Not to say it’s inevitable, but, it’s not easy to be in one, and it certainly isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. My own jealousy was difficult to face. An emotion which many of us don’t have to fight with often. It’s surprisingly strong. Took me years to work on and even still it affects.
Well, just another kind of non-traditional relationship. If it’s consensual between all 3 of them, then how I feel about it doesn’t matter. It may be a harmful relationship indeed, but it also may not. Just like any other relationship.
But, the more you show her that you are not okay about her being in such a relationship, the less she’ll tell you in such case. Plus it is also harmful on its own.
