Background+rant: I’m in my early to mid-20s and still living at home with my dad. I’m not a NEET and am employed at a normal office job. I enjoy the comfort of my home. I like being with family (and I believe they feel blessed to have their kid at home longer). I like not having to pay rent. However, I also keep feeling some nagging pressure to “grow up and leave the nest”.
Everything in my mind tells me that moving out is irrational. I would lose 1/3rd of my income to rent, go through a bunch of logistical hoops to find a new place, lose the last few moments I have with my family, just so I can prove to nobody that I’m independent, maybe discover new things, and also probably get in on some of that loneliness action that the rest of my generation is going through.
Yet, the pressure is still there. No one looks down on me for it, but I feel a bit embarrassed to tell people I’m living at home, like I’m admitting failure or incompetency. My friends will occasionally ask when I’m planning on moving out and the question just lingers longer than it should in my head. I compare myself to my parents and grandparents and can’t help but feel like a child compared to the people they were when they were at my age.
Obviously quite conflicted on this, so I’m interested in seeing what others have to say.
I’d put it this way: how much pressure do you personally feel to strike out on your own? I don’t mean how much pressure people might be putting on you - I mean how much of you wants to GTFO?
I left home at 19, against my parent’s wishes - but that’s because I was going stark crazy at home, and needed to get out into the world and knocked around a bit. If you don’t feel that kind of pressure, and your family is amenable to the situation, then I wouldn’t worry about it. Make sure you’re not a burden by contributing and helping out where you can, but there’s no shame in living with your parents as an adult, particularly these days.
Correction: There is no shame in living with your parents as an adult - emphasis on the adult part. You contribute what’s necessary, you take care of what you need to take care of, etc. There is shame in being an overgrown manchild, where mommy and daddy are the ones taking care of you (when that reasonably shouldn’t be the case - folks with disabilities, etc. don’t fall into this group). It sounds like you fall in the former category, so you’re good IMO.
If you’re dating and looking for someone to “settle down with” this might be a deal breaker. On the other hand your situation is becoming more common. Regardless of how you feel I hope you are socking away some money. If you do want to own your own home, housing prices are cyclical (at least in the US). Be ready to pounce when the bubble bursts. Having 20% or more for a down payment can save you a lot of money. That’s pretty generous of your parents to not make you pay rent.
In Greece it’s common for children to stay with their parents past 30. Your conflict is a cultural one.
My advice is to not worry about it and not feel ashamed. There are plenty of reasons to live with one’s parents, especially these days with the high cost of living. I’m sure your peers understand this.
In fact, the money you save on living expenses can potentially be used to buy yourself a home in the future, instead of perpetually paying rent like the rest of us.
If you’re happy being there and they’re happy having you, then stay, you’re pocketing so much more. Since you’re employed, just make sure your family is taken care of, chip in for groceries or a new TV if they seem to need it.
and I believe they feel blessed to have their kid at home longer)
Have you directly asked about this? That would be my first concern, do they truly want me living at home still? Moving out doesn’t mean you have to never see family again, you can have a set day or two every week to come over for dinner/a visit.
The second concern I would have would be bringing a significant other around, or even a first date. You don’t want to bring every person you go on a date with to meet the parents, only the ones that are serious.
So if you’re family is actually okay with you staying, and you’re okay with bringing dates home around then, then go for it. Doesn’t seem to be hurting anyone.
The main quesiton is what you want long term. If you want to eventually move in with a romantic partner, I would advice you to get used to independent living beforehand. Having to cook for and clean up after a partner who never learned to live without mommy and daddy is a huge turn-off for most people and can sour a relationship very fast. I would ask you these questions:
Do you cook dinner for the household at least every week?
Do you clean the kitchen yourself after cooking?
Do you do the grocery shopping for the household?
Do you often tidy up the pots and pans after meals (not just your own plates and cutlery)?
Are you the one who takes a walk around the house putting away stray plates, glasses & clothes and tidying up? Do you do this at least once a day?
When something breaks, are you often the one who repairs or replaces it?
Is it typically tidier & neater when your parents are away than when they are home?
If you want to live with a romantic partner in the future, and the answer to any of these is no, I suggest you have a long hard think about whether you’re preparing for the life you want, or just staying where it’s comfortable.
This is the key!
There is nothing inherently in living with your parents until any age I would say. As long as you learn how to be a self sufficient and independent individual, who shares the responsibility of the household.
For starters, I’ve always lived in major European cities, with good public transports but not necessarily in the city center. As soon as you can be financially independent ie have a work that allows you to pay rent, utilities, food and a little of saving, even if only 50€ a month. I left for uni, came back shortly after graduating as I interned for 6 months and then moved in with a friend. We could go out in the evening after work with our friend group and no one cared at what time I’d come home nor wait for me to ensure I’m safe because I’m a girl and the city can be dangerous depending who you encounter. I was a lot less awkward if I had one night stand in the morning with no hi mum and when I met my now husband and brought him to our shared flat and my roommate had his girlfriend at the same time, it all went great.
My husband left for his studies cross country at 18 yet his mum made everything for him back home: laundry, cooking, cleaning. After he moved and until we met and we bought our first house, he ate pasta ham and rillettes with cakes every single day. Had his grandma who lived 30km away do his weekly laundry. It’s good he’s excellent at house reno as to this day he’s shit at house upkeep. Can’t put a plate in the dish washer, clean the bathrooms or remember his or his children’ bedsheets need to be washed. Do not be my husband. It’s not when you leave that matters but rather be a competent grown up.
I love my parents but couldn’t imagine living with them full time, not paying rent to them and not try to be independent as much as I could. If I had to live with my mother in law, you could find the bitch’s body buried in the back of the garden next to the Japanese apple tree.
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When they are dead seems like a good upper limit
That’s my take on it as well.
living with other family members should never be taboo unless those family members are dysfunctional and bringing you down.
But I would draw the line when any family member becomes a corpse, stop living with them.
It’s worth noting that the stigma is very much a cultural thing. There are cultures where it’s very normal for the kids to stay with the parents, even after they get married, with multiple generations under one roof.
You should 100% do what makes you and your family happy. If things change, you can make changes.
With how high housing prices are I’m starting to wonder if the whole stigma was dreamed up by real estate companies to increase demand. Wouldn’t be the first time a whole cultural norm was created for profit.
yeah my parents would be pretty upset if I left them unless demanded by job or something
Good thing is that them being upset doesn’t stop you from moving out if it’s better for you.
I think it’s dumb that society stigmatizes living with your parents at all. It’s a great way to strengthen family ties, saves money, and you can keep an eye on older generations.
My family is psycho, so I moved as far as possible, but I envy people that can take advantage of those benefits.
If you’re living a home and not paying rent you better be saving up for a down payment on a house.
But to answer your question, I moved out when I was 25 and I felt that was a little old to still be at home. But it will depend a lot on individual circumstances.
The idea of being “too old to live with parents” is a pretty recent phenomenon.
Multi-generational households were the standard for centuries. There’s a benefit, I think, for having parents, grandparents, and children in the house.
The children have the opportunity to learn from the grandparents.
The grandparents have the opportunity to help the parents by caring for the children.
The parents have the opportunity to assist the grandparents.
That being said, you couldn’t PAY me to live with my mother. ;)
opportunity
You keep using that word.
Yes, and?
From a Hispanic perspective, it’s normal to live with parents until late twenties. However, as an American I can tell you it’s weird past 25ish. There is a higher likelihood you won’t have normal adult interactions and experiences of you live with your parents.
